"In effort to protect my heart from being broken, I was keeping my heart from being expanded. "
For the past year, as I lay in my bed at night all I can think about is the hurts of my past. A shattered heart, low self-esteem, eating disorders, mistakes & failures, loneliness, broken promises, abandonment, bad relationships. They haunt me every single day. And I've been building a wall. A wall big enough to shut out all of my emotions. And with each new hurt, that wall grows bigger and bigger. It's not something I do on purpose, it's something that I've just become accustomed to doing. I'm comfortable with my wall up.
With my wall up, no one can hurt me. Others can't be trusted, and every time I've ever let my wall down in the past I've been left in pieces. So I leave it up. I don't allow myself to feel emotions anymore. They are hidden away behind my wall, and I like it that way. It's easier that way.
I don't want to be the girl that let's her emotions get the best of her. I want to be strong and independent. I want to be okay. Someone who is okay isn't broken. So I have my wall up, hiding away my brokenness, and all of the feelings that make me feel that I'm not okay.
But in order to love people, you have to tear your wall down. I'm realizing that someone who is really okay, is someone who is broken and vulnerable, but isn't afraid to love anyway.
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them up with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
Just because you have known pain, and hurts in the past doesn't mean you can't make a beautiful person out of them. In fact, knowing hurt and pain makes you an even more beautiful person.
I have so much life ahead of me, I'm not even nineteen years old. I have so much potential for love and joy, but only if I allow myself. Only if I'm willing to break down the wall.
So that's what I'm doing. I'm letting the wall down. Destroy it. Get rid of it. And stop hiding all of my feelings and emotions. It certainly hasn't been easy. In order to break down this barrier I've created, I've had to face all of these things head on and re-live the emotion of them once again. But I am finding in myself, as I have been trying to do this, a better love for people. A better appreciation of people, and compassion for them. I'm finding myself to be happier, and more fulfilled. I don't feel like I'm hiding something anymore. These emotions that I've packed away that have been slowly eating away at my heart are free from their barrier.
I'm more in touch with myself, and with God. You see, building up this wall hasn't just affected my relationships with other people and how I interact with them, but it has affected my relationship with God. In trying to keep myself from feeling these emotions and in hiding them from others, I've also tried to hide them from God. And anyone who has ever been in any kind of relationship knows that communication is key. A failure in communication with God, and a disconnect in my heart has taken a toll on my relationship with Him. But now as I'm accepting these emotions, and feelings, I've felt closer to Him than I have in a long time. He is love. And when you try to shut love out of your life to avoid getting hurt, you are also shutting Him out. But now, I'm finally allowing myself to feel Him.
Let your walls down, and allow yourself to be used. Yes, you may be allowing yourself to be hurt. You're vulnerable. But, if you don't let it down, you're not allowing yourself to feel joy. And you're not allowing yourself to be used, and to love other people. People may fail you. In fact, I can guarantee you they will. You'll be hurt. But the one thing that I can guarantee you is that God will never hurt or fail you. Trust Him. And have a mindset of thankfulness for the trials of your past. See what it does to your life.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." -James 1:2-6
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