Brick by brick, lie after lie, heartbreak after heartbreak...

"In effort to protect my heart from being broken, I was keeping my heart from being expanded. "


For the past year, as I lay in my bed at night all I can think about is the hurts of my past. A shattered heart, low self-esteem, eating disorders, mistakes & failures, loneliness, broken promises, abandonment, bad relationships. They haunt me every single day. And I've been building a wall. A wall big enough to shut out all of my emotions. And with each new hurt, that wall grows bigger and bigger. It's not something I do on purpose, it's something that I've just become accustomed to doing. I'm comfortable with my wall up. 


With my wall up, no one can hurt me. Others can't be trusted, and every time I've ever let my wall down in the past I've been left in pieces. So I leave it up. I don't allow myself to feel emotions anymore. They are hidden away behind my wall, and I like it that way. It's easier that way.


I don't want to be the girl that let's her emotions get the best of her. I want to be strong and independent. I want to be okay. Someone who is okay isn't broken. So I have my wall up, hiding away my brokenness, and all of the feelings that make me feel that I'm not okay.


But in order to love people, you have to tear your wall down. I'm realizing that someone who is really okay, is someone who is broken and vulnerable, but isn't afraid to love anyway. 


"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them up with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."


Just because you have known pain, and hurts in the past doesn't mean you can't make a beautiful person out of them. In fact, knowing hurt and pain makes you an even more beautiful person.


I have so much life ahead of me, I'm not even nineteen years old. I have so much potential for love and joy, but only if I allow myself. Only if I'm willing to break down the wall. 


So that's what I'm doing. I'm letting the wall down. Destroy it. Get rid of it. And stop hiding all of my feelings and emotions. It certainly hasn't been easy. In order to break down this barrier I've created, I've had to face all of these things head on and re-live the emotion of them once again. But I am finding in myself, as I have been trying to do this, a better love for people. A better appreciation of people, and compassion for them. I'm finding myself to be happier, and more fulfilled. I don't feel like I'm hiding something anymore. These emotions that I've packed away that have been slowly eating away at my heart are free from their barrier. 


I'm more in touch with myself, and with God. You see, building up this wall hasn't just affected my relationships with other people and how I interact with them, but it has affected my relationship with God. In trying to keep myself from feeling these emotions and in hiding them from others, I've also tried to hide them from God. And anyone who has ever been in any kind of relationship knows that communication is key. A failure in communication with God, and a disconnect in my heart has taken a toll on my relationship with Him.  But now as I'm accepting these emotions, and feelings, I've felt closer to Him than I have in a long time. He is love. And when you try to shut love out of your life to avoid getting hurt, you are also shutting Him out. But now, I'm finally allowing myself to feel Him. 


Let your walls down, and allow yourself to be used. Yes, you may be allowing yourself to be hurt. You're vulnerable. But, if you don't let it down, you're not allowing yourself to feel joy. And you're not allowing yourself to be used, and to love other people. People may fail you. In fact, I can guarantee you they will. You'll be hurt. But the one thing that I can guarantee you is that God will never hurt or fail you. Trust Him. And have a mindset of thankfulness for the trials of your past. See what it does to your life. 


"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." -James 1:2-6

A Beautiful Mess

“Patience is more than endurance. A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says--'I cannot stand anymore.' God does not heed, He goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then He lets fly. Trust yourself in God's hands. Maintain your relationship to Jesus Christ by the patience of faith. 'Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.” 
― Oswald Chambers

I so easily forget to be thankful for the fact that my life is not my own. Why is it so hard to remember that trusting God is a good thing? Every time I try to take my life into my own hands it just becomes disastrous. And every time I put my life in God's hands I find contentment and peace. But, why can't I just leave it in God's hands? I can put it there for a little while, but when things don't end up going the way I think they should or I want them to, I get impatient and I take it back into mine. I constantly have to remind myself that I am not the painter, I am just the portrait. And this week is one of those weeks. When God tells me 'no', however painful and hard it might be to accept, I have to continue to trust in Him. 


"For I know the plans I have for you", declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11


I have this verse written on my mirror this week. Sometimes we all need a gentle reminder that there are greater things for us than we can dream of. No matter what kind of battle you may be facing this week, put your faith in God and trust him, and know that no battle is ever too great for you to handle. Remember that we can't see the whole picture. Right now, it might be kind of messy, but in the end He makes that mess into something beautiful. 

Uproot Guilt and Plant Forgiveness.

Failure is one of my biggest fears, along with a majority of the population. However, failure is unavoidable in this life. Thanks to our friends, Adam and Eve, we are destined to fail. And as Christians, we have huge targets on our backs. The devil wants us to fall more than anything. His entire purpose is to bring us down. So how can we prepare for that when it happens? By looking at those who have failed in the past. What did the devil do to persuade them?


1. He disguised himself.


In the story of Adam and Eve he disguised himself as the serpent, and convinced them that the fruit from the tree was good. He's going to disguise himself as the most enticing thing there is. He wants to deceive you and fool you. He is going to make himself look good and righteous, and if we aren't strongly rooted in God's word and involved in our relationship with Him, it's going to be hard for us to tell the difference between what truly is righteous, and what is a disguise. 


"For such men are false apostles, deceitful workmen, masquerading as apostles of Christ. And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. It is not surprising, then, if his servants masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve." -2 Corinthians 11:13-16


We know God's word, we know what is right and what is wrong, and we know what conviction feels like. But, we are foolish and easily deceived. I feel like God says this to me all the time: "You knew what I said, but you did what YOU wanted." And once we fail, it's hard to admit that we've failed. It's hard to forgive yourself for the wrongs you have done- especially if it's something you've done more than once. But thats exactly what he wants! Satan wants to disguise himself as guilt to condemn you to keep you where you are- broken and busted. That guilt doesn't come from God. God convicts, God doesn't condemn. Don't let the devil confuse you and trick you into believing that you aren't worthy of forgiveness. Don't let him keep you down- and most importantly, don't let him bring you down again. "Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." -Ephesians 6:11. The devil is just waiting to see where your weakness is. But plant yourself in the word and in Christ, and put on the full armor of God so that you can be able to stand your ground. 


2. He questioned God's word.


" 'You will not surely die', the serpent said to the woman. 'For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.' " -Genesis 3:4-5


The devil wants you to think that God is holding back from you. He wants you to think that God doesn't want what's best for you, and that you are missing out in life by following Christ. Well... that's false. Why do we even live our life for Christ? Oh yeah, because it's the only way to live a life of fulfillment. We aren't missing out on anything. We are missing out on life by NOT following God's word. 


3. He denied God's word. 


John 8:44 says that Satan is the "father of lies". His sole purpose is to destroy you. The devil will try to confuse you. He wants you to believe that God is speaking to you, not him. But there will never be a time where God speaks to you that contradicts the Bible. Just remember that. But that goes hand in hand with knowing the word. YOU have to know the word to know when the devil is questioning you. 




God wants you to live a full life. God doesn't want you to be broken and busted. Guilt is not from God. When we mess up, and we FAIL, don't let that guilt hold you back. Let it go. You have to forgive yourself first in order to be able to forgive others. You are not alone in your battle. Like it says in Deuteronomy, we are fighting from a place of victory, and we don't have to do it by ourselves. God's got more for you than this. We are redeemed, restored, and forgiven through Christ. Don't let our fear of failure hold us back, and don't let our actual failures keep us down. Uproot guilt and plant forgiveness, and that's when you'll begin to live a life of love. <3

We all fall down.

"When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power." -Hugh White

The future is yet in your power... That is the key thing to remember when you're faced with dealing with the consequences of mistakes you might have made in the past. So you messed up, you fell down, you gave in. We all have our periods of weakness. Everyone makes mistakes, but whether you choose to learn from them or not is what establishes the difference between a foolish person and a wise person. 

Here it goes, I'm just going to put myself out there in this blog because you just never know who could be reading it, and who could need to hear what I'm about to say. In my last post, I shared with you guys that the temptation around me was hard, but I was remaining strong and doing well in it. I wasn't giving in to the things of this world. But, I underestimated the power of Satan, and in a single moment that I let my guard down, he dragged me down further than I could have ever imagined myself being. It's just that easy. 

"Do not be deceived: 'Bad company ruins good morals'." -1 Corinthians 15:33

I was deceived. I had let the world get the best of me. I figured I would be fine, and I didn't take the matters of my sins seriously. Satan will use ANYTHING to try to tear you down and stop you from following God's plan, and if you don't prepare yourself for that you're going to stumble. I hadn't prepared for it. I was living life on cruise control and just not taking my spiritual life seriously. Times that you think you are at your strongest, can sometimes prove to be times when you really are at your weakest. I was vulnerable. That's the only way I can really describe it. So of course, I messed up. I fell down. But I'm on my way to getting back up. If there's anything that I've taken out of high school it's that people are going to mess up. You are going to mess up. I am going to mess up. But take advantage of the times that you have fallen and have sinned, and use them as stepping stones. Don't just push it off to the side and let it get the best of you by running away, and don't sit and dwell on it for so long that you just feel dirty and guilty and you can't get over it. Think on it, think about why you did it, how you let it happen, and plan for the future. Figure out how you're going to rid yourself of it, and how you can take this and learn from it. That's where I'm at right now. And I couldn't be more thankful to have such a gracious God when I am so undeserving. But that's the point. He sent his son to pay the ultimate punishment for our sins because WE MESS UP. He knows that. But through Jesus we have forgiveness. "My sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow." Lyrics from Jesus Paid it All. When you mess up, just remember that there is a way out of it. 

"...all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the  redemption that came through Christ Jesus." -Romans 3:23

 I said in my last blog that it's easy to be a christian when you are surrounded by them, but when you are put in a place that is dark and you are supposed to be the light, well, it gets a lot harder. But God wouldn't put me where I am if he didn't know that I could handle it. I'm supposed to be in Jacksonville. That is where the Lord put me to spread his love and his name, and I didn't have that mindset going into the summer semester. So this has been my prayer for the last week- that I may be continually seeking God and glorifying Him in my life. I want to be used by him. I want to serve Him, and serve others, and I want people to know the love that I know. This is my prayer as I leave for Jacksonville again for the fall semester. I'm doing things differently this time. I'm doing things the right way. I'm looking at it as my mission field. Please pray for me, because I could always use it. I know it's going to be hard, but I also know that it is what God is calling me to do, so I want to be ready and willing to accept the challenge. 

"And if you faithfully obey the voice of the Lord your God, being careful to do all His commandments that I command you today, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth. And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, if you obey the voice of the Lord your God." -Deuteronomy 28:1

Sleep deprived. Welcome to college.

It's 3:30 in the morning, and I still have a paper to write, but instead I'm writing this. It's been almost a month since I moved out of Tallahassee and I can't even believe how the time flew by. I'm a little overwhelmed by it all... actually, a lot overwhelmed. These past couple months have been absolutely insane. I've had to grow up a lot, in such a short amount of time. But I have to say that it has been amazing, and I really couldn't be more thankful for the way that things all played out. I hated that I was leaving for college in the summer. I wanted to have that time to spend with my friends, and maybe earn some money, and just chill for a little while. But now, looking back, God couldn't have planned it more perfectly for me. He knew that I was going to be ready, and that I could handle it. I've learned so much through this whole experience, and I'm (obviously) still learning. From little things like learning how to get around campus, learning how to get around Jacksonville, writing my first college paper, taking my first exam, doing my own dishes and laundry and cleaning my room on my own time, buying groceries, etc. To things like learning how to say no to a drink at a party, being designated driver, managing my priorities and keeping God first. It's not easy. To all my friends who I have recently just graduated with back home who are getting ready to do what I did: Don't go into it expecting it to be easy. It's hard to not give in to all the new pressures that are around you. Being so fortunate and blessed to live in the community we do, it was easy for us to be Christians. But as we branch out to new places, and don't have our youth pastors or parents always around to hold us accountable, it becomes a lot harder. I have never been more tempted in my life. But it's not supposed to be easy. John 16:33 says "In the world you will have trouble. But, take heart! I have overcome the world." It may be hard, but it's so worth it. That's what I have been realizing lately. I've met so many new people here of all different kinds, and it's really starting to feel like home. But, for everyone who I don't talk to almost every day, here's what's been going on in my life: I love my roommates. I have 4 of them, and we all get along so well- even though we are all SO different. Jacksonville is amazing. There is so much to do, and I'm never bored. I love my campus, classes, and professors. I lucked out and got the easy ones :) I've met so many new people and it's really refreshing. I love that I meet a new person every single day, and there's always something going on. Not a day goes by in my life that I can say is boring. My roommates and I are going to a Britney Spears/Nicki Minaj concert this saturday... don't hate. I'm really excited. I checked out Calvary Chapel Jacksonville today and it was almost identical to old school Calvary Tallahassee. They had plants too... I'm going to a campus ministry on Tuesday night called Resolution. *It's important to get plugged in. Seriously, everyone told me that before I left and I took it lightly, but it's serious. The beach is amazing, the city is amazing, and my life is amazing. I honestly couldn't be happier with the way things are right now. I miss my friends and family back home dearly, but I am also loving the ones that I have made here. I know I said I would be posting a lot, but as you can plainly see it has been a busy month. Expect more frequent ones. :) But, that's all for now. It's 4 AM, and I still have a paper to write... I love college.

Where you lead me, Lord, I will go.

So, I made a blog. I'm not exactly a writer, but I felt like this would be a good way to share with people some of my thoughts, ideas, experiences and adventures. I left my hometown, Tallahassee, today to start a brand new life in Jacksonville. College life. I never thought that the day would come, but it has. I'm moved out. I'm out in this big crazy world on my own now. It's a rush of emotions. I'm excited, anxious, nervous, scared, stressed, relieved. But among it all, I have an outstanding peace about being here. I know that there's something crazy here for me in Jacksonville and that God is doing big things. I ask that all my Tally friends continue to pray for me, and keep in touch with me, because my friendships with you all mean so much to me. I have been thinking lately about how blessed I am to have grown up in such a loving community and to have such real, honestly good friends. God has done big things in my past four years of high school, and how many people can say that? However today I have been thinking, and as I was starting to get nervous about not finding a solid group of friends who share my same love of Christ, God stopped me dead in my tracks. He reminded me that this world is SO BIG, and that He's not only doing things in Tallahassee, but He's doing big things everywhere else too. So it's time to break out of my bubble, and go out of comfort zone, and step up to what the Lord is calling me to do. I'll be updating frequently, as I'm sure I will have SO much to say as I start my new journey. :)


He said to them, "Go into the world and preach the gospel to all creation." -Mark 16:15